The Weight of Duty

THE MINISTRY OF ARTS / PEOPLE DEPT.

I see it in my mother’s eyes, the way her eyes light up and fill with hope, with expectation, with longing, that the promised is here. She looks at me like she’s not really looking at me but at the things I will do, the things I will become.

It scares me, this weight. I have this creeping feeling that I will never be able to do enough. Sometimes, I feel like I will not live long enough to do anything at all. And this, this dying, does not scare me; rather, the people standing behind me, hearts laden with expectations, their falling haunts me.

My name is Azubuike. It literally means ‘Back is strength’ and figuratively, it could mean my past experiences or history is my strength, or that the people behind me are my strength. I fear for the people behind me. I fear I will never reach the heights they imagine I would; that I will fall, and all their expectations will come crashing down.

THE MOULTING

My father’s death dawned on me when I came to the realization of the weight that I now have to carry. Nobody prepared me for this. Nobody told me it was beyond being called ‘Dim’. Nobody told me that being a fatherless first son meant more than being called husband, that I could no longer live for me. I was not told that I had to be strong, feign strength when it eludes me, and endeavour to show strength at all times. Nobody told me that my father passing meant I was no longer a boy. I was not aware that I had to morph into a man the minute my father was laid to rest.