Looking for God

I grew up wanting to get closer to God. But to find God I had to leave religion behind.

Jan 19, 2022

THE BLACK ATLANTIC

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Owerri, Imo State, Nigeria

Iremember the first time I began to doubt God’s love for me. I was a nine-year-old Catholic primary school student and it was the season of Lent. Crucifixes draped in purple fabric hung on our classroom walls; teachers sternly warned us against making noise. It was Friday—on Fridays, at the end of classes but before the school closed, we always assembled in front of the classrooms for the Stations of the Cross. The school hung 14 images of Jesus Christ at different spots and we walked around all of them.

The Stations of the Cross are a Catholic meditation, prayed every Friday during Lent to honour the passion of Christ from his condemnation by the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, to his crucifixion. In awe, I watched the priest and the mass servers; how immaculate they looked. Secretly, I wanted to be like them, to be that close to God and to love and serve him wholeheartedly.

Standing at the first station, looking up at the picture of Pilate sentencing Jesus to death and listening to the melancholy Latin songs reverberating off the walls, brought me closer to Jesus’s pain. I remember pressing my eyes together to stop the tears. My feelings of awe soon descended into guilt. I felt like my sins were the reason that Jesus had to pass through such an inhumane journey.

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About the Author

Ugochukwu Damian Okpara

is a Nigerian-born writer and poet. He is the author of the poetry collection, In Gorgeous Display (Fordham University Press, Sept 2023).

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Looking for God

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